September 17, 2011 9:03:00 AM
From time to time my home page, MSN, tries to give me advice. It seems to think that I need to know how to make great cupcakes, or decorate my home to look like a furniture store window, or wear the trendiest colors, hot off the runways of Paris and Milan.
The message is that, several times a year, I must transform myself into a starlet-clone with a new hairdo. MSN apparently forgets that they use the same photos of stringy-hair actresses on the red carpet almost every season. It makes you wonder how the "beautiful people" can look so much like bag ladies, and why their editors don''t remember that these "styles" have been used before?
If my home page knows me so well, then they should realize that for me to attain that Hollywood facade it will take more than a "do" that looks like the cat has been sucking on it. An entire body-lift and face transplant are more in order.
This week I was given dating advice for women. Remember, MSN, I am happily married. They evidently know a great deal about my personal style and home décor. Why not my marital status?
Of course, I had to read it. The article inspired such responses as, "Do you think I''m stupid?," or "You must be kidding!" So, for the benefit of those ladies still in the dating world, I am penning my own counsel and guidance. You are welcome.
MSN: "Men do not like white skin and red lipstick."
Miss Adele: What''s your problem? My skin is white, and I wear whatever lipstick is rolling around in the bottom of my purse. You don''t look so spiffy yourself.
MSN: "Do not talk about vampires and your love of Goth."
Miss Adele: Why not? If a lady likes Goth (and presumably you do not), you must ask yourself, "Why did she go out with me?" Perhaps you appear, or smell, dead. This brings us to the next pearl of MSN wisdom.
MSN: "Men do not like overpowering perfume."
Miss Adele: Count your blessings. My drug store scent is a vast improvement over my usual aroma of Fritos and jalapeño bean dip.
MSN: "Men do not like too much talk about yourself."
Miss Adele: "What could possibly be more interesting? Football? Hunting? Remember, buddy, you asked me out. You may want to find out a bit about me.
MSN: "Men do not like women who sing along with the radio."
Miss Adele: Well, keep me engaged. A few intelligent responses might just get my attention. And, hey, what''s wrong with my voice?
This covers only a few pearls of my infinite wisdom. I will gladly answer individual queries geared to Southern (and especially Golden Triangle area) concerns. Let''s face it, ladies, we have our own style. None of us would ever go out in one outfit posted by MSN this week -- an orange coat, a gold sweatshirt, and a purple scarf. I''ve met clowns with better taste.
I won''t be heeding many recommendations that arrive unsolicited from cyberspace. Well, perhaps, except for the one about eating cupcakes. That isn''t exactly how it was worded, but my interpretation. Keep dating, but do not forget I''m here with sage advice. Once again, you are welcome.
Adele Elliott, a New Orleans native, moved to Columbus after Hurricane Katrina.