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Charlie Mitchell: Santa selective in whether to grant holiday wishes

 

Charlie Mitchell

 

OXFORD -- It was the strangest thing. I was walking down the sidewalk, minding my own business, when a passing mail truck hit a pothole and out flew a bunch of letters. I gathered them up -- all were letters to Santa, with his responses penned across the bottom -- but the truck had trundled out of sight. Anyway, just sharing ... 

 

Dear Santa: Remember me? We were in grade school together. Anyway, I'm running for re-election to the U.S. Senate in 2014 and I would be grateful for anything you can do to help. -Thad Cochran. 

 

Dear Thad: No problem. As chair and as ranking member of Appropriations, you have been my inspiration for giving goodies, especially to Mississippi. And I do remember you from our youth, of course. I'll do what I can. -Santa. 

 

Dear Santa: A bunch of us state officials want to challenge Thad Cochran as too old and too liberal. What do you think? -The Challengers. 

 

Dear Challengers: Put down the ladle and back away from the egg nog. Now. -Santa. 

 

Dear Santa: Please keep Attorney General Eric Holder away from me. The people of Mississippi have said they want voter ID, the Supreme Court opened the door and I intend to walk us through it. Don't let Holder sue us like he's suing Texas and North Carolina. -Delbert Hosemann. 

 

Dear Englebert: I'd like to help, but Holder doesn't listen to me. Actually, he doesn't listen to anybody, but that's another conversation. -Santa. 

 

Dear Santa: Is there anyway you could bring me another chance on that last play in this year's Egg Bowl? -Bo Wallace. 

 

Dear Bo: I have a tough history with that. Thirty years ago, I managed to stop Artie Cosby's chip shot field goal in midair to preserve an Egg Bowl win for Ole Miss. Instead of thanking me, those Rebels claimed it was the wind or "divine intervention." So I'm bowing out of Mississippi football. Besides if I start granting last play do-overs, every team Auburn faced this year would want one. -Santa. 

 

Dear Santa: Can you make Tate Reeves do as I say? -Phil Bryant. 

 

Dear Phil: No. -Santa. 

 

Dear Santa: Can you make Phil Bryant do as I say? -Tate Reeves. 

 

Dear Tate: No. -Santa. 

 

Dear Santa: Will you please tell members of the Mississippi Legislature to let us run our schools? We are happy to let them run the state. -Mississippi principals and teachers. 

 

Dear Principals and Teachers: Let me think about that. Maybe if we publicized their report cards from their school days... -Santa. 

 

Dear Santa: Please bring me a "Learn Sign Language At Home" kit. -Guy who faked sign language during the Mandela memorial service. 

 

Dear Guy Who Faked Sign Language: OK. In fact, I'm sending it today. Why wait for Christmas? -Santa. 

 

Dear Santa: Please bring me a new job. -U.S. Secret Service guy who cleared faker with a history of medication for delusional behavior to stand 3 feet from the president of the United States. 

 

Dear Secret Service Guy: Ever work in a reindeer barn? -Santa. 

 

Dear Santa: I'm sorry. -Miley Cyrus. 

 

Dear Miley: You should be. -Santa. 

 

Dear Santa: Never mind about bringing my gifts to Texas next year. -Nick Saban. 

 

Dear Nick (always liked that name): With your paycheck, you should be bringing me gifts. -Santa. 

 

Dear Santa: Please bring me an explanation. I got elected to the top job in the Roman Catholic Church, which was a nice thing. But really all I've done since is read to people from a 2,000-year-old book. All of a sudden I'm being celebrated as Time magazine's person of the year. What's up with that? -Pope Francis. 

 

Dear Pope Francis: I can't explain, but as I tell others, "You'd better watch out." -Santa. 

 

Dear Santa: Please bring me a $600 million federal contract like the one to create an Internet portal for Obamacare and make sure I get paid the full amount no matter how miserably I fail. I will leave some milk and cookies for you. -Every web developer everywhere. 

 

Dear Every Web Developer: Forget about it. If another tater like that comes along, me and the elves are trading the toy tools for laptops. Websites R Us/North Pole Division. -Santa. 

 

Dear Santa: Please bring us Edward Snowden. -The National Security Administration. 

 

Dear NSA: You didn't have to write. I've been monitoring your phone calls and your Internet searches. Got my own technology, boys. I already know whether you've been naughty or nice. And the news isn't good. -Santa.

 

 

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