Adele Elliott: Meet market

June 10, 2011 2:16:00 PM

Adele Elliott - adeleelliott@bellsouth.net

 

In one of my fantasies, I am a matchmaker. This is a big problem for Chris, because he is a strong proponent of minding-your-own-business. And that disparity in thinking is only one example of the vast differences between men and women. 

 

There is a huge gender gap in so many ways. Like so many women, my favorite food is anything chocolate. His is pizza, or maybe tacos. Never the twain shall meet. Luckily, a meal can have more than one course. 

 

However, I was a single girl for so many years before we married. That, in my opinion, makes me an authority on courtship. Pay attention, men. I am about to impart valuable dating advice. 

 

The first rule is that women want romance. Alright, it may just be our flight of imagination, or empty hope. But try to indulge us. We like flowers and compliments. Women are turned on by  

 

"pretty." 

 

What on Earth would make you think that we enjoy looking at your anatomy, no matter the dimensions? Gay men like that sort of thing. Know your audience. 

 

I will make no adolescent jokes about Rep. Anthony Weiner. That is male humor. I understand, of course, that he needed something more than his Lyle Lovett good looks to attract a girl. But, really, such an educated man could have come up with a better idea. 

 

Technology has made everything speed up dramatically. Well, everything except our brains. Sometimes we just need to put a break on our button-pushing fingers. 

 

I cannot claim to have always used good judgment. The prickly emotions of romance certainly inspire action, usually not motivated by prudence. Once, while dating a man in another state, I sent him a very angry letter, written in red ink. Before dropping it in the mail box, I burned an edge, threw it on the ground and stomped on it. (I maintain to this day that he deserved it, though I have long ago forgotten the offense.) 

 

Months later, we were no longer "dating," but had declared a sort of d├ętente. He told me, "You know, I got that letter from you, and boy, you should have seen what the post office did to it!" Darn post office. Well, I didn''t ''fess up, but then, I didn''t have to. There was no incriminating recorded high-tech history to damn me. 

 

I truly do not wish to target Anthony Weiner. Democrats or Republicans, there is a very long list of poor choices motivated by ... what? Ego? Lust? Adoration of personal body parts? 

 

We have Eliot Spitzer, Chris Lee, John Ensign and David Vitter. What are these politicians thinking? They are not the only ones who are guilty, but they have the very most to lose. Any average Joe can send some questionable email, or make lewd comments. Usually they will not lose their jobs. Why would anyone do something this tasteless on such a huge stage? Career, income, dignity? Is it all this worth the price? 

 

Back to my single-girl life (before we all had caller ID), I had my phone listed in my cat''s name. This meant that potential obscene callers would see Eric Elliott listed and assume that this was a man''s residence. What I am trying to say is that most girls do not like vulgar talk or accompanying visuals. 

 

Guys, slow down and stick to the tried and true. Dinner and kind words work most of the time. This sort of attention to a lady will seldom get you in trouble. There is a reason why they are classic. You can get the girl, and keep your profession, too. You''ll think of a way to thank your yenta someday. You are welcome. 

 

Adele Elliott, a New Orleans native, moved to Columbus after Hurricane Katrina. Email reaches her at adeleelliott@bellsouth.net.

Adele Elliott, a New Orleans native, moved to Columbus after Hurricane Katrina.