Adele Elliott: Foot races

August 3, 2013 6:51:08 PM

Adele Elliott - [email protected]


The worst of summer is upon us. Temperatures flirt with triple digits. Mosquitoes hover in small clouds, just waiting for an opportunity make us their tasty snack. Even the squirrels seem too lethargic for their usual game of rushing in circles around the tree trunks in my yard. I think France has the right idea. That country practically closes down for the month of August. 


In Columbus, it is too hot for my favorite pastime of porch-sitting. Although that pursuit requires no energy at all, it is still too much for me. There is nothing left to do but cruise the Internet for stories that I find amusing, or sometimes astounding. 


ABC News (July 23) reported an unnamed woman wore a pair of high-heeled shoes with fake revolvers as the heels to New York City's LaGuardia Airport. After confiscating the shoes, the TSA let the woman move on, and that's it: no interrogation or anything. According to ABC, since "the shoes were replica guns and voluntarily surrendered, a spokesperson for the TSA said, no arrest was made and no report taken." 


I can't imagine why anyone would want such things, and especially why they would wear them to the airport. As it turns out, there are dozens of revolver-heeled shoes to choose from. The most bizarre were covered in a creamy-colored fur, with toes shaped like the cloven hoof of a goat. In case you are in the market for firearm shoes, they range in price from $60 to $125 -- a bargain. 


For those interested in more foot-fetish silliness, Amazon is advertising a set of dust mop "shoes" for your pet. To add insult to injury to your pocketbook, it is only an empty box. Someone came up with idea that this would be a great way to package a more desirable gift. Those looking for an empty box may wish to purchase this one for only $7.99, plus shipping. Really! 


These goofy shoes led me to check out other footwear that might keep me amused until the weather cools off. I found at least four different styles that looked like realistic -- and repulsive -- bare feet. There are fruit shoes, and animals of all sorts, the most abhorrent being rats. Oh well, Lady Gaga probably isn't complaining. 


I'm not sure who would enjoy wearing a sandwich on their feet, or a slice of pie, or a big scoop of ice cream topped with whipped cream and a bright red cherry. But, if that is your taste, take heart. They are all available. 


Some designs could have been plucked from sculpture exhibits at the Museum of Modern Art. It was hard to tell which end was for the toe, and which for the heel. Are you paying attention, "Project Runway" designers? 


I must admit there are shoes available that terrified me. Implements of torture abound. Many could have been designed by the Marquis de Sade. Spikes, nails, broken glass and barbed wire are all available. I hope the wearers don't decide to kick anyone. 


Evidently, I was not destined for avant-garde foot fashion. These days nothing but well-worn flip flops adorn my feet. However, there is no reason for me to be embarrassed; my style fits in just right with Golden Triangle taste. How good that is will be left to your opinion.

Adele Elliott, a New Orleans native, moved to Columbus after Hurricane Katrina.