Slimantics: Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus

December 24, 2013 10:43:05 AM

Slim Smith - [email protected]


Among the cards and letters that have arrived on my desk this Christmas season, I came across a curious correspondence I thought warranted a personal response. The subject matter is time sensitive, so I thought the most expedient way to answer would be through this column. 


Here is the letter, followed by my reply. 


Dear editor:  


I am 8 years old. Some of my little liberal friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, 'If you see it on Fox News, it's so.' I'd like a second opinion (Don't tell Papa!). So, please, tell me the truth: Is there a Santa Claus? Also, if there is a Santa Claus, is he white like Jesus and Megyn Kelly?" 


Virginia O'Reilly 


1320 Fourth St. S. 


Dear Virginia: 


Since this is Christmas Eve, I suspect you are waiting for my response with some sense of urgency. Rest assured, I will answer your question with the same brilliant clarity and rock-solid reasoning that have long been a staple of my writing. 


But first, I have a word to share with your dad:  


Way to pass the buck, Papa! Little innocent, trusting Virginia comes to you with an important question and you refer her to Sean Hannity? Wonderful. Really. Ranks right up there with "Ask your mother."  


Now, Virginia, as to your question: 


Your little left-leaning friends are wrong. They have been afflicted by the skepticism of the modern era, an age in which some cynical people doubt the capacity of the super wealthy to reach a point where they naturally decide, "No, I have acquired quite enough wealth through all of these well-deserved corporate tax breaks and would much prefer the residue of my riches to trickle down to the middle class -- but no further, of course." 


So, yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. Just ask Wall Street. 


Now, your little subversive friends may challenge you by asking the question, "If there's a Santa, how come no one has ever seen him deliver his gifts each Christmas?" 


But, surely, even at age 8, you can see the fallacy of such an argument. Why, saying Santa doesn't exist because you have seen no physical evidence of him is as ridiculous as saying there is no Republican plan for health care! 


No Santa Claus? Perish the thought. It would be like saying that poor people aren't inherently lazy and totally dependent on government handouts. 


Oh, but Santa Claus does exists. He exists as surely as greed and indifference and intolerance exist.  


Imagine a world without a Santa Claus. Why, it would be an awful, sad and terrifying place, like cable TV without "reality" shows! 


But do not worry, little one. Santa lives and will continue to live. In a thousand years -- nay, in 10-times-10,000 years -- he will yet live, forever to make glad the hearts of children. 


As to your other inquiries: 


Is Santa white? No, Santa is not white. Nor is he black or any other color, for that matter. Santa is someone who is so good, so pure, so above question, that he has transcended all categories used to identify mortal man, be they race, ethnicity or gender. You know, sorta like Ronald Reagan. 


Finally, conscience demands that I share one bit of unpleasant news. You asked if there is a Santa, but did not think to ask if there is a Megyn Kelly. 


Sadly, there is no Megyn Kelly; The Fox News anchor-blonde is merely a pre-programmed, computer-generated amalgamation of all of the qualities a real American is supposed to have. 


I'm sorry to have to be the one to break this news to you, Virginia.  


On the bright side, no one could make up Ted Cruz. 


Merry Christmas! 


Slim Smith is a columnist and feature writer for The Dispatch. His email address is [email protected]