January 4, 2014 10:09:19 PM
Adele Elliott - email@example.com
Welcome to the New Year!
I have made it clear that I adopt no resolutions for myself. But, really, don't you know a million people who could use improvement? In the spirit of the greater good, I have decided to make a few "suggestions." You may thank me later.
1. Speak English. OMG, YOLO, IDK, LOL. If you understand any of these and use them in correspondence, or worse, if you say them out loud, I beg of you -- please stop. How much more difficult is it to write or say the entire phrase? Try it. You will sound so much smarter.
2. Keep your promises. Are we ever going to have bus service in Columbus? I seriously doubt it. Why then must we erect signs all over the city indicating that this corner will soon be a stop for public transportation? A girl could stand there forever. And anyway, whose bright idea was it to put those signs on corners that may not even be a stop on the fantasy bus line?
3. Spay and neuter your pets. Animals do not miss the "joys" of parenthood. We have an animal population explosion. It is so much better for everyone, humans and animals, if we practice a bit of doggy and kitty birth control.
4. Curb the road rage. Yes, our lives are extremely stressful. We do not need to share that anxiety with everyone on the street. Be nice. It can't hurt ... much.
5. My canine daughter, Charlotte, must stop eating the furniture. You have two parents who work at home. That makes you one of the luckiest pets in the world. Relax. I am investigating doggie valium. Straighten up or I will slip it into your kibbles.
6. Get an answering machine. This product was invented in 1935 (About.com). Most of us have had one since the 1970s or '80s. Please do not call me back to say that you have a "missed call" from me. If I want to talk to you, I will find a way to do this. Did it ever occur to you that someone could have dialed you accidentally? Maybe they really didn't want to talk to you at all.
7. Curtail your Facebook time. I do not care to see photos of your dinner, or know where you were at all moments of the day, or even your political views (with occasional exceptions). You are wasting precious time, folks. Get out and try to enjoy your life.
8. Hang up and drive. You are the reason for road rage. Call them later. Surely anyone who wants to hear from you will answer. (See rule six for more info.)
Of course, this list could go on forever. Sorry if I sounded snarky. I am probably just suffering from too-much-football rage. Thankfully, football season will actually end someday. (Or, so they tell me.)
I suggest making your own list. Even if you keep it to yourself, you will feel better. Happy 2014! That, too, will be over sooner than you realize.
You are welcome.
Adele Elliott, a New Orleans native, moved to Columbus after Hurricane Katrina.