Just what we need, another committee

January 21, 2014 8:16:20 AM

Slim Smith - ssmith@cdispatch.com

 

In the beginning, God formed a committee to discuss the status of earth. 

 

The committee met regularly for a few millennium before releasing its report, which concluded that the earth was "without form, and void; and darkness was upon the face of the deep." The committee recommended that another committee be formed to determine whether it would be a good idea to maybe add some light or something, provided there was grant money available for such a thing. 

 

Flash forward to absolutely no more than 6,000 years (This is the Bible Belt, after all) and we find that the city of Columbus is considering forming a committee that would put into effect the findings of another committee in an effort to promote redevelopment in the city.  

 

If the council votes to form this five-person Redevelopment Committee, a Redevelopment Committee Selection Committee would likely be formed to determine who will serve on the committee. Prior to forming that committee, however, an Eligibility Committee will be formed to determine is there is actually anyone in the city of Columbus who is not already sitting on a committee. 

 

If the Eligibility Committee cannot find five non-committee members for the Redevelopment Committee, a committee will be formed to determine which committee members would be eligible to serve on an additional committee. 

 

That Redevelopment Committee Selection Committee will report its findings to the city council. 

 

The city will write J5/Broaddus a check. 

 

J5/Broaddus will then form a committee that will include the five-member Redevelopment Committee, The Island Development Committee, The Perpetual Columbus Police Department Chief Search Committee, The Highway 45 North Beautification Committee, The Trotter Convention Center Renovation Committee, The Highway 45 Bypass Committee and the Billboard Committee. This Super Committee will hold meetings where they will try to remember what it was they were supposed to be talking about in the first place. 

 

After a series of long deliberations, the Super Committee will conclude that the city of Columbus lacks adequate committee meeting space. 

 

J5/Broaddus will propose that the city build a gym like the really cool one they have in Smithville, which can withstand hurricane force winds and numerous simultaneous committee meetings, provided there is grant money available for such a thing. 

 

The city will write J5/Broaddus a check. 

 

Once the Redevelopment Committee has been formed, it will then join with the city's Billboard Committee to revise the city's regulations of signage. The Joint Committee will meet regularly for a period of several months before recommending that the city revise its sign ordinance to allow for every imaginable type of sign except for the kind of signs that have the silhouette of naked women -- you know, like the ones you see on the mud flaps of a redneck's pick-up truck. A city must have some standards, after all. 

 

In a narrow vote, the city approves the Joint Committee's recommendations. 

 

The city will write J5/Broaddus a check. 

 

The Highway 45 North Beautification Committee, which everyone on the city council had forgotten existed, will then report its findings to the council. 

 

This will be problematic since the city has recently relaxed its sign ordinances on the recommendation of the Billboard Committee. 

 

A Oh, Crap Committee will be formed to determine which committee the council should have listened to: The Highway 45 North Beautification Committee, formed in 2012, or the Billboard Committee, formed this year.  

 

A compromise will be worked out, keeping in place most of the recent changes to the sign ordinance. The major change will permit "tasteful" signs with silhouettes of naked women, provided they are no larger than the jumbotron at MSU's football stadium. 

 

The city will write J5/Broaddus a check. 

 

The city's Highway 45 Bypass Committee will then report to the city council, but the council will expedite the committee's findings by simply writing J5/Broaddus a check. 

 

Then peace will rule the planet. 

 

Slim Smith is the managing editor of The Dispatch. His email address is ssmith@cdispatch.com.

Slim Smith is managing editor of The Dispatch. His email address is ssmith@cdispatch.com.