July 17, 2010 9:12:00 PM
By now, everyone has heard the big news: Bristol Palin plans to marry her "baby daddy," Levi Johnston. Well, everyone who cares, anyway.
It''s like a made-for-TV movie. The young lovers meet, fall in love, have problems (like in-law issues), and split up. In the end they reunite, realizing that their love was true. They were destined to be together, something the audience knew all along.
It all seems so contrived, so predictable, so scripted. Oh, these two had some bigger-than-life difficulties. The unwed pregnancy played out on a national (and international) stage. Levi''s foray into porn, and a lot of bickering all around contributed to the troubles. Insurmountable odds? Evidently not.
They are even pretty enough to be actors. Both are attractive, and the baby has the face of a Botticelli cherub. What luck.
I''m not implying that this story is a complete fairy tale. It just reads like one. How great it would be if the rest of us had Hollywood-style resolutions to all our crises and dilemmas. I have a few ideas for better-than-life endings for some of our challenges.
Locally, there seems to be worry about gangs. (I, personally, see very little evidence of this activity.) However, if this were a movie, the "wayward youths" would form a glee club, or a dance troupe, and take their show on the road. That would expend a lot of restless energy.
Of course, there would be many life lessons learned along the way, mostly about tolerance and acceptance. Gang colors? A good designer would have no trouble working them into stunning costumes.
Unemployment is a huge worry. It was 12.8 percent in Lowndes County for May, according to the Mississippi Department of Employment Security. On the silver screen, the many resolutions would be simple.
Perhaps a magic fish could emerge from the Tombigbee, granting us all three wishes. Wouldn''t we all wish for money?
Or, maybe we could be the setting for "The Real Housewives of Lowndes County." Think of all the colorful local ladies who might star in one of those roles.
What if the old bridge crossed into a fantasy land, like the "Wizard of Oz" (movie version of that story). On the other side deer could fly, but there would be trolls, too. Columbus could create a happy ending by selling day passes to "The Island" to solve our money problems.
Any of the scenarios would generate a ton of wealth for us. If we go the reality TV route, we could be extras, or stage hands, or furnish catering. Everyone knows that Columbus is "camera ready" -- no sets required. And if our dream solution is pure Disney, with talking animals and enchantment, well, all the better.
My own personal strike-it-rich fantasy is that my children will be discovered to act in pet food commercials. They can really gobble down some treats, so the talent is already there. Then they would earn big bucks and residuals for their dear mommy.
As it looks now, there is no miraculous fix for our woes. I suppose we are not as fortunate as Princess Bristol and Prince Levi. Some people just lead charmed lives.
But, we do have a lovely city, not in the frozen tundra of Alaska, and a lot of quirky characters, most of whom have too much class to pose for "Playgirl." And we have a bit of privacy to work out our issues off of network TV. Maybe our lives hold more delight than we realize.
But, admit it, some of my scripts were not too bad. Fade to black.
Adele Elliott, a New Orleans native, moved to Columbus after Hurricane Katrina.